Pharmacist Jokes and Pharmacy Humor

Have you heard this one?

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man yells.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

“No,” the man replies, “but my wife out in the car still does!”

Doctor Speech

A doctor is giving a speech at a local awards ceremony, but when he looks down at the notes he’d jotted down, he can’t understand what they say. Frantic, the doctor calls out, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

Blonde Deodorant

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks a technician for some bottom deodorant. The tech, confused, explains to the woman that there’s no such thing as bottom deodorant.

The blonde assures the technician that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

“I’m sorry,” the tech tells her, “but we just don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” the blonde replies.

“Do you have the container it comes in?” the technician asks.

“Yes,” says the blonde. “It’s right here.”

She reaches into her purse and hands a container to the technician, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

Annoyed, the blonde snatches it back and reads aloud from the container: “To apply, push up bottom.”

Buying Condoms

A young man walks into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” the customer replies, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while, and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night’. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves, excited.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer and continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

Miracle Drug

A miracle drug is one that is now the same price as it was last year.

birth control pillsBirth Control Pills

An elderly woman goes into a doctor’s office and tells the doctor, “I’d like some birth control pills.”

“But Mrs. Smith,” the doctor replies, “You’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

“They help me sleep better,” the woman says.

Confused, the doctor asks, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman explains, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

The Cruise

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says that the cruise has been canceled, but she can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

The next day, the agent calls back and says that she now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it. He returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says that she can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the pharmacy to ask for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist says, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”

TV Interview

A man is being interviewed for a job as a TV news broadcaster and does well, except he keeps winking and stammering as he speaks. Finally, the interviewer says, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, I’m afraid that we can’t hire someone who winks and stammers all the time.”

“Oh, that’s no problem,” the man replies. “If I take a couple of Aspirin, I’ll stop winking and stammering for an hour.”

“Really?” says the incredulous interviewer. “Show me.”

The man reaches into his pocket. Embarrassingly, he pulls out loads of condoms of every variety – ribbed, flavored, colored — before he finds the packet of Aspirin. He takes a pill and immediately speaks perfectly without stammering or winking.

“That’s amazing!” the interviewer replies, “but I don’t think we could hire someone who’d be womanizing all over the country.”

“But I’m happily married!” exclaims the man, “not a womanizer!”

“Well, how do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

The man says, “Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of Aspirin?”

Side Effects

A customer in a drug store asks a pharmacy technician, “Why does my prescription medication say it has 40 side effects?”

The technician replies, “Because that’s all we’ve documented so far.”

Laughing Man

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but figures there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom and once again leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. “What could be so funny about buying a condom?” he wonders. He tells a pharmacy technician, “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the next day the same man comes back, buys a condom and again starts cracking up with laughter before leaving. The pharmacist tells his technician to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the tech comes back to the store.

“Did you follow him?” asks the pharmacist.

“Yup,” says the technician.

So,” says the impatient pharmacist, “where’d he go?”

The tech replies, “Your house.”

Duck Food

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks, “You got any duck food?”

“No,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t sell duck food.” The duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day and says, “You got any duck food?”

“No,” says the pharmacist with a frown, “This is a pharmacy. We don’t sell duck food.” The duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day. “You got any duck food?”

“Look,” screams the pharmacist. “This a pharmacy! We don’t sell duck food! We sell medicine! If you come in here tomorrow and ask for duck food, I’m going to nail your little, yellow webbed feet to the floor!” The duck leaves.

The next day, the pharmacist becomes incensed when he sees the duck comes in the store. The duck asks timidly, “You got any nails?”

“No!” screams the pharmacist. “This is a pharmacy! We do not sell nails!”

“Good. You got any duck food?”

Morning After

Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?

It changes their blood type.


A man goes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of cyanide. The pharmacist, concerned, asks what he wants it for. The man answers, “I want to kill my wife.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” the pharmacist replies, “but I can’t sell you cyanide to kill your wife.”

The guy reaches into his pocket, pulls out his wallet and produces a photo of his ugly wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture, then replies, “I am sorry, sir. I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

Cigarette Condoms

An elderly man walks into his grandson’s apartment and notices a condom on the table. ‘What’s this?’ the old man asks.

“It’s a condom,” the grandson replies sheepishly.

“What do you use it for?” asks the grandfather.

Surprised that his grandpa doesn’t know what a condom is, the young man replies, “I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”

“That’s a great idea!” exclaims the old man.

The next day, the grandfather goes to a pharmacist and asks a technician for a condom.

“What size would you like?” asks the pharmacy tech.

“Oh, just big enough to fit a Camel.”

Upset Wife

Upon arriving home, a husband is met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explains, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone!”

Angry, the husband drives down to the drug store to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he says a word, though, the pharmacist tells him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

“I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I stood up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.

“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing and will not let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

Light Bulbs

How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he has to do it three times a day for 10 days.


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