Since the early 1980s, when Venice Beach was the place to be and every guy wanted to be just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, steroids were as chic as any other drug in America. While Major League Baseball has stolen most of the spotlight, being that their player’s union fought for 20 years to keep the league free from steroid testing—resulting in players who looked primed for the WWE—all major sports have, at one time or another, had athletes that have benefited from using steroids.

Athletes all over the place were cashing in, earning countless millions that might’ve otherwise gone to some underachieving non-steroid using chumps. But, in 2005, when the U.S. Congress held an official investigation on steroid use in baseball, it became clear that the party was over. Soon professional sports would settle into the lame familiarity of “honor” and “integrity.”

Now that the Golden Age of Steroids is behind us, there are a number of sports figures who, in retrospect, clearly missed out on all the fun. And below is a list of the top 10.

 

10. Manute Bol

 

Manute Bol, standing 7 feet, 7 inches, holds the record of being the tallest man to ever play in the NBA who wasn’t afflicted with a pituitary disease. This feat was surpassed only by his long-standing record as the man most likely to break a leg while standing still.

This Sudanese beanstalk could’ve benefited from steroids, not only because he was alarmingly skinny, but also because he was a terrible basketball player, averaging 2.6 points a game over a ten year career.

 

9. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat’s Head

In the 1980s, few professional wrestlers were better than Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. He had an innate charisma, a chiseled physique and, if you squinted your eyes, you could almost confuse him for Bruce Lee. Yes, from the neck down, Steamboat was solid as a rock.

But, as it turns out, from the neck up he could’ve use a little help. On an episode of Saturday Night’s Main Event, Steamboat was accidentally knocked out when Jake “The Snake” Roberts dropped him headfirst on an exposed concrete floor.

For all the steroids that were floating around in the WWF in the 1980s, Steamboat has to be wondering why his head wasn't invited to the party.

 

8. Peter Buckley

Boxing is a sport that is not only built for controversy, but thrives on it. From its home base in Las Vegas to its storied history of crooked officials and fixed fights, boxing has never been without its blemishes.

And, just like every other major sport, boxing has dealt with steroid controversies as well. But, in a sport that has a perpetual black cloud hanging over its head, there is the dubious ray of light known as Peter Buckley.

Buckley, a retired welterweight fighter from Birmingham, England, competed in 300 professional fights. Of those 300 fights, he lost 256 times. If there was only one man in the history of boxing who should’ve cheated, it was he.

 

 

7. Antonio Cromartie

Anabolic steroids are designed to take your physical skills and magnify them. But steroids also have side effects and, in some instances, these side effects warrant an inclusion on this list. Perhaps the most notorious side effect of steroids is their proclivity to cause testicular shrinkage.

Now, I’m no scientist, but, for the sake of this list, I’d like to assume that such shrinkage would have an adverse effect on one’s fertility. Based, then, on my latter assumption, I’d assert that Antonio Cromartie, cornerback for the NFL’s New York Jets, should’ve definitely been on the juice.

By age 25, Cromartie fathered 7 children by 6 different women in five states. And, as evidenced by the above video, he has a little trouble remembering the names of all of his progeny. If anyone could’ve benefited from a little testicular shrinkage, it’s our man AC.

 

6. Tim "The Thrashing Machine" Hague

The UFC has been the premiere mixed martial arts organization ever since the sport became a mainstream attraction in North America. Part of the excitement of a UFC bout is that—despite the three round, fifteen-minute time limit—any match can end in the blink of an eye. Literally.

Tim "The Thrashing Machine" Hague, a Canadian heavyweight, was knocked out faster than any fighter in UFC history.

His opponent's name was Todd Duffee, an American mixed martial artist fighting out of Denver Colorado. Chances are you spent more time reading these last two sentences than Hague spent on his feet, as Duffee knocked him out in seven seconds.

I don’t know if steroids would have won the fight for Hague, but I’m certain it would’ve gotten him at least another seven seconds.

 

5. WWE Spanish Announce Table

Mick Foley is a former professional wrestler who, after one look at his physique, would never be accused of using steroids. Ironically, that’s not why he’s on this list—in fact, it’s not even Foley who is on the list, but rather the WWE Spanish Announce Table he crushed when he was “thrown” from the top of a 16 foot high steel cage.

The fall came during Foley’s infamous Hell in the Cell match with the Undertaker on June 28, 1998. While the stunt was staged, the resulting damage was hardly fake.

Despite the concussion and chipped tooth Foley sustained during the course of the match, I would contend it was the poor WWE Spanish Announce Table that could’ve benefited from some steroids on that night.

 

4. Glass Joe

Glass Joe, the Frenchman with a glass jaw, has come to epitomize sub-mediocrity, becoming something of a metaphor for failure both in sports and in life.

As the first opponent in Punch-Out!!, the iconic boxing video game that propelled him into his legendary status, Joe’s only role is to lose. And lose he does—better than anybody, you might say.

Despite the fact that he is a video game creation, Glass Joe is a shining example of why professional athletes ever endeavored to use steroids at all.

 

3. Chris “The Birdman” Anderson

Chris “The Birdman” Anderson is a professional basketball player who, despite being banned from the NBA for over two years for substance abuse, never, by all accounts, tested positive for steroids. Of course, based on his showing in the 2005 Slam Dunk Contest, he probably should have.

During the dunk contest, Anderson missed his first eight attempts to dunk the basketball. Following that, he missed his next five attempts for his second dunk.

While Anderson rightfully belongs on this list, I, like so many basketball fans, are grateful he didn’t use steroids, as we would’ve been denied the timeless video footage above.

 

2. The Iron Sheik

The Iron Sheik is a former professional wrestler who—despite his recent string of appearances on The Howard Stern Show—is most famous for losing the WWF Championship to Hulk Hogan. And, according to his official website, you can book the Iron Sheik as the best man at your wedding.

The Iron Sheik, like Antonio Cromartie, could’ve benefited from steroids, not for their enhancing ability, but for the testicular shrinkage they bring. In one of his many matches with Hulk Hogan, the Iron Sheik clearly has an erection just before putting Hogan in the camel clutch.

If nothing else, it seems the Iron Sheik really loved wrestling Hulk Hogan. I only wish the above video was longer than 14 seconds so we could see how long it took Hogan to figure out that wasn’t a pencil in the Iron Sheik’s pocket.

Seemingly in an effort to clear the air about his feelings for Hulk Hogan, the Iron Sheik tells Howard Stern that he doesn't want to "f**k" Hogan with his "d**k," but rather he wants to "f**k" him with a "beer bottle."

 

1. Women's National Basketball Association

The entire Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) needs to be on steroids.

Now.

Not simply because the WNBA is unwatchable and not simply because, in its 14-year existence, it has failed to earn a profit.

The WNBA needs to be on steroids because, in the entire history of the league, there have been exactly six slam dunks.

Six!

And those six came from four women.

Four!

I haven’t even seen all six dunks, yet I feel pretty confident saying they were all pretty lame and in serious need of a steroid boost.

Fundamental basketball is pleasant and all, ladies, but if you want or anybody who is not a lesbian to watch your sport, you’re going to have to put the whole league on the juice. Or at least start playing your games on a trampoline.